Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’

I get my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to it much, but I would like it done sooner rather than later. Oh sigh.

I feel a bit out of sorts lately. I’m not quite sure why. It’s strange, a feeling of a slowness tinged with loneliness. It makes me a bit anxious… or restless. For what, I am not sure. It’s a little disconcerting at times, and the truth is that I want to want God more. I want to desire him greatly at all times. The reality is that I often don’t even when I wish to. Even knowing that nothing else will satisfy, I do still pursue those other things. But… the fact that I feel some sort of desire for a passion for him it is something. Maybe it counts for a whole lot more than I give it credit for. At least I have some sense of direction, and I know that direction is true and reliable.

How does something seem so near and far at the same time? It doesn’t make much sense. But I hope… I wait upon him and upon his Spirit.

“A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” ( For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”
– John 4:7-15

“After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”
– John 6:66-69

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birthday blues

I’m a bit upset at myself right now.

Normally, I would consider myself a pretty good friend. I think it’s one of the roles about me that matter greatly to me, because I get to choose it and because I value seeing growth in people’s lives. But one instance can change our perception of ourselves, can shake our pride and make us see that even in areas where we can be strong, there are definitely weaknesses.

It was my friend’s birthday a couple of days ago. I’ve known him a long time… or rather, it would be more accurate to say that he’s known me for a very long time, back when I was too young to remember. It was his birthday and I simply forgot. There was no other reason than that I was too busy with my work to remember. I had thought of it several days, even weeks, beforehand, and had every intention of calling him as I do every year. This year was different. It even took me a couple of days before I actually remembered, and when I did, I felt a sick twisting of my stomach, and I was upset to realize that I’m completely inadequate in being able to keep up a friendship even when I know it greatly affects his sense of value. Argh! I never forget this.

I called him last night and apologized. He was gracious about it, but it’s still depressing to know that he was so let down. That he barely had anyone else acknowledge his birthday and celebrate it with him is utterly depressing. And he was waiting on my call the whole day, thinking that I surely would not forget… When he told me that, it made me want to weep. I feel awful about this. I feel awful because I know that he’s lonely. I feel awful because I am so far away that I can’t really do anything to make up for it. I feel awful because I’m often so neglectful of his needs and emotions. And I feel awful because I have not always appreciated his friendship and felt a burden from it. I hate that part of me…

It’s a good thing that my friends are forgiving toward me even when I’m not the best friend to them. So, to my friends who may feel neglected by me, I’m sorry. Let’s do coffee sometime. =)

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