meaning of the “L” word

I’ve been thinking about the “L” word lately (It’s kind of complicated to explain why, but no, I’m not dating anybody and probably won’t for a while). I really don’t mean it in the romantic sense particularly, but perhaps romantic love best exemplifies what I mean in a lot of ways. I think in a lot of ways, I’m mixed between the beauty of it, the purity that comes from one when given selflessly, honestly, and wholly, and between the selfishness, lust, and caprice that are often associated with it. Maybe it was in my immaturity that some of my former relationships became spoiled (both romantic and non-romantic). Or perhaps it is just the very nature of human relationships… Forging lasting and meaningful bonds with other finite and complex beings are not as straight-forward as we’d like it to be sometimes.

Yet, even in the darker and more cynical depths of my mind and heart, I turn my eyes the one love that is baffling in its beauty. If your best earthly friend loves you and is good to you, how much more would our Heavenly Friend be? I think it’s because of him, or mostly because of him, that I find human love to be worthwhile at all. It’s one of the strange paradoxes of the world, because you would think that knowing his love would make me more cynical of human love. In a way, this is true when I consider the fact that no one I ever meet will love me thus (and my own fallen nature would prevent me from loving him as much as I should… but it’s a process). And yet… and yet, it is in the example of Christ as a prototype for sacrificial love that I am able to think of humanity as sacrificial beings. Why is it that we find life and happiness and fulfillment in giving ourselves to another? If God is love, and we participate in love in the right manner, are are actions not somehow akin to the divine? Perhaps the capacity to love is part of our imago dei, and that love finds completion in sacrifice. Maybe therein we find that we become most Christ-like.

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.” – Jesus, John 15:12-17.

All that being said, I love my friends. You guys are great. ❤ ❤ ❤

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birthday blues

I’m a bit upset at myself right now.

Normally, I would consider myself a pretty good friend. I think it’s one of the roles about me that matter greatly to me, because I get to choose it and because I value seeing growth in people’s lives. But one instance can change our perception of ourselves, can shake our pride and make us see that even in areas where we can be strong, there are definitely weaknesses.

It was my friend’s birthday a couple of days ago. I’ve known him a long time… or rather, it would be more accurate to say that he’s known me for a very long time, back when I was too young to remember. It was his birthday and I simply forgot. There was no other reason than that I was too busy with my work to remember. I had thought of it several days, even weeks, beforehand, and had every intention of calling him as I do every year. This year was different. It even took me a couple of days before I actually remembered, and when I did, I felt a sick twisting of my stomach, and I was upset to realize that I’m completely inadequate in being able to keep up a friendship even when I know it greatly affects his sense of value. Argh! I never forget this.

I called him last night and apologized. He was gracious about it, but it’s still depressing to know that he was so let down. That he barely had anyone else acknowledge his birthday and celebrate it with him is utterly depressing. And he was waiting on my call the whole day, thinking that I surely would not forget… When he told me that, it made me want to weep. I feel awful about this. I feel awful because I know that he’s lonely. I feel awful because I am so far away that I can’t really do anything to make up for it. I feel awful because I’m often so neglectful of his needs and emotions. And I feel awful because I have not always appreciated his friendship and felt a burden from it. I hate that part of me…

It’s a good thing that my friends are forgiving toward me even when I’m not the best friend to them. So, to my friends who may feel neglected by me, I’m sorry. Let’s do coffee sometime. =)

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